I have more of a comment than a question, said the man.

Please, God, no.

I sprawled on the couch with a hot wheat bag over my eyes, curtains closed, laptop near my feet, listening to the Menopause and Mental Health webinar I’d signed up for. My eyeballs threatened to pop out of my head, like those cartoon characters whose eyes go boioioinnggg when they’re surprised. This happens every two weeks when my skull is squeezed by a searing perimenopausal migraine. Too much oestrogen or not enough? Not enough progesterone or too much? One’s too high, one’s too low? Every time I get one, I look for the answer, and every time I find the same dearth of information. My specialist probably told me in our last $350 appointment, but I can’t remember. Cognitive decline, also, perimenopause.

Around fifty counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists, dietitians and naturopaths – mostly women, were there too. A clinical psychologist presented for around an hour about the confusion for women during perimenopause and menopause, how it can trigger or re-trigger anxiety and depression, the stigma we must deal with, the lack of research and education that makes it difficult for women to get help, and things that might help, like antidepressants and HRT. Then she asked for questions. Several women wrote theirs in the chat function in the sidebar, shared resources, and put thumbs up emojis.

Then … a hand was raised, and a microphone unmuted. A forty-five-or so-year-old man, who introduced himself as a functional medicine practitioner, said, “I have more of a comment than a question. It seems to me (which I’ve noticed is generally a precursor to mansplaining) that this life transition for women is just a hormonal imbalance. The first thing to consider would be lifestyle factors: sleep, nutrition, gut health, diet, everyday stress. Every woman will go through this, and such an approach could be very helpful.” He went on to provide minutes of invaluable knowledge, but I couldn’t hear over my rage.

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If you don’t know (I didn’t) exactly what functional medicine is, it’s kind of like naturopathy or integrative medicine. It tries to address the underlying cause or root of the illness or disease rather than just treating symptoms. Since Western medicine usually only addresses symptoms, a holistic approach can be valuable. It’s a great theory.

Improved gut health, good nutrition and getting enough exercise is always positive. Given that we’ve been given this message for decades, at least for healthy diet and exercise, it also seems obvious. I’d already drunk litres of lemon water, bone broth and kombucha, eaten jars of sauerkraut and yoghurt, downed hundreds of dollars of probiotics and supplements, walked and gone to the gym and channelled plenty of sunlight up my perineum (okay, not that, never that).

I think it did help some, but no marked change in hot flushes, night sweats, insomnia, brain fog, short term memory loss, bladder and urinary issues, depression, anxiety, mood swings and migraines. These could not be cured with the right mix of herbs or lifestyle management. For some women, holistic healing is the answer. I’m happy for them. For many women, it’s not, and to be told this information as though we’d never thought of it is insulting.

Photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash

He also mentioned sleep and everyday stressors. Sleep? Yes, I wish. I’ve tried Valerian root, tart red cherry juice, magnesium, progesterone, melatonin, antihistamines, anti-psychotics off-label, Costco brand sleep aids, Tylenol PM, antidepressants and a hypnotic non-benzodiazepine, which is the only thing that’s ever worked. I use it sparingly because it can be addictive and it becomes less effective over time.

Everyday stressors. Let’s see, feeling terrible due to lack of sleep. Trying to work with a brain that glitches. A husband and children that need me, an irritability that rests just under my skin, patriarchal systems that place the domestic load and emotional labour on women, capitalist systems that tell us resting is for the lazy, medical misogyny that means funding doesn’t go toward research on women’s hormones.

I didn’t yell at webinar guy, mainly because I didn’t want my peers to think poorly of me. In therapy circles, expressing our feelings is good but raging at others is frowned upon. So, I took a deep breath and mumble fucked. You do it by keeping your lips and teeth close together, then subtly mouthing “mumble, mumble, mumble, fuck, mumble, mumble, mumble, fuck.” It’s even better if you squint your eyes angrily and sort of spit the last word. Repeat as needed.

If I showed up to a seminar on erectile dysfunction and mental health, I’d hear about how difficult erectile dysfunction is to deal with, the sense of failure and feelings of powerlessness that go with it, the stigma, the lack of support. I’d feel genuine compassion because erectile dysfunction is awful. From ignorance or a misplaced desire to help, I’d say, “I don’t have a penis, but I do have some thoughts. Have you considered giving up beer? Watching less TV? Do you smoke? Look at your phone too much? It seems to me that an herbal mixture like ashwagandha and horny goat weed could help.”

Photo by Lisa Hobbs on Unsplash

I mean, look. Webinar guy’s intent may have been genuine. After all, he was there - maybe for his mum, his wife, his sister, or clients. Full credit for that.

The issue was that he inserted himself into a topic specific to women in a room full of women, and gave us information we probably already knew. There have been too many occasions in which I’ve heard men talk when there’s no need for their voice, about topics they know little of, with the belief they’re contributing something worthwhile. I’m tired of sitting silently, being nice, letting them go on.

Women have so much to contribute, but men and women have been infected with the idea that a straight (sexual preference, not angle), white penis imparts a supremacy of knowledge. It’s heartbreaking that in 2025 we are still debating this, that conservative governments are fighting for power based on this antiquated idea, and that at the end of the day, a silly looking appendage still wins.

That’s the imbalance I think we need to address.

P.S. Did I send you a survey? Someone told me I did. I didn’t mean to and I’m sorry.

P.P.S. I like men. A lot. I just want them to use their appendages and power responsibly.